(no subject)
lici boo
 No one's ever really who you think they are and the only important person is you, honestly. That is, until someone proves that they're worth the brain and heart time. Their worthiness does not depend on appearances because looks are deceiving. Sometimes what look good, ain't good. 
Life is just funny. When you want something really bad, you can't get it. When you get it, sometimes it's not as great as you thought it'd be. And you were just better off without it. 
But, sometimes, when you want something really bad, you can get it and it is as great as you thought it'd be. And you're better off with it. 
It's a catch-22. You never know, and that's the really annoying thing about it all. Sometimes your heart lies, and your mind comes up with stupid untrue things. 
And everything changes in the blink of an eye, too. People come and go. The rug is pulled from beneath you just when you thought it was safe under your feet. 
I guess Disney movies are so popular because none of that stuff happens in real life -- but it's nice to pretend for ninety minutes or so. 
The bottom line is that all you have is you. To expect or to assume for someone to always be there for you only leads in disappointment sooner or later. You come first. And if someone proves their worthy of brain and heart time, then act accordingly. 
If only we were biologically equipped to act accordingly. 

lici boo
i just want to stay single. 
like i don't wanna be with anyone in particular right now and that's fine. 
if someone special comes out the woodwork, lucky me. 
but if not, i'm fine. 

life is hard.
shit happens.
all i have is me. 

(no subject)
lici boo
I'm sad but I'm not bitter.
I don't understand why you can't just do what any other decent human being would do...and I'm sick of trying to figure it out and I'm sick of thinking about you. I'm never going to figure it out, but I'm not gonna change my entire life because you don't love me and pray you did. All I can do is fix the parts that caused this whole thing and keep in touch with myself. No one has ever hurt me like you have. I have hated these past two years completely, completely, completely. It wasn't fair, it was just horrible and I just wanted to die. It was awful. I wish you could understand and open your heart or your mind or something but I guess that's never going to happen ever and I just don't get why not. But that's your problem, not mine. Or maybe it's just the fact that you don't care about me, and it that still makes me feel like someone just punched me in the gut. No one should have to feel that way if they truly don't deserve it. Not nice, but it's your decision and I can't change it. And I'm not changing myself, either. 

(no subject)
lici boo
 sometimes i just wanna put my head down and cry. 

(no subject)
lici boo
sometimes i second guess myself.
i've always wanted more for myself 
but it's just extremely  hard
and life throws such curveballs
it's just scary sometimes
when it's just you

and sometimes you wonder if your overconfident
and life doesn't seem to be working out too well
maybe i'm not that pretty, or that smart, or that worthy
maybe this or maybe that
maybe there's more wrong with me than there is right
maybe i'm not loveable
maybe i'm not gonna be who i wanna be 
maybe life isn't gonna be so fun after all 

sometimes i just wanna cry
because the things i thought i knew, i really didn't know
and it's like the carpet is pulled from right underneath my feet 

it's just hard
when you're not living the life that feels right
and you don't know how to turn that wrong into a right. 

(no subject)
lici boo
 i'm sick of seeing the stupid side of life. i just want something genuinely good to happen to me.

i don't know.
lici boo
It's kind of hard going back to school.

I know I can do it, but I want to do more than just "do." I want to enjoy, love, live and fully experience it. 

It's been so tough. 

At night, I get really emotional. Usually I'm bored and then my mind just wanders to a warmer place. 
And when I'm home alone, I get so scared. Like little-girl-scared, like I just wanna be held scared. It's just how I feel. I hear creaks, and see shadows, and I check my closet before I lay down. I just don't feel really safe. 

I've given up on trying to be that perfectly healthy person. I'm just learning that I am me and no one else. 

I'm gonna stop talking to some of my friends because they're just not really supportive. I can't be the therapist all the time, it's just really exhausting. Or maybe I just need more real, true friends. 

This world can be so hard. People get really lucky to find someone they connect with and love and who love them. Sometimes I feel like it's honestly just never gonna happen, or it might happen but it's not gonna be at the right time, or something like that. And it really just makes me sad. I've been aching for this for years and years, so many nights I have just cried so hard by myself and it's like I get no mercy. No one understands. No one can fix it. 

I wish God could give me some sweet candy or something. I'm so tired of lemons. 

i don't care.
lici boo
 idk why certain things happen to me. it just rly sucks. i think i deserve way better than what's been going on in my life. i deserve a fucking break. a chance to smile and feel loved and all those things. maybe i should just stop caring. maybe i shouldn't ever ask why again. it hurts but i guess it's gonna hurt so i'll just have to get over it. who cares if i never fall in love again. who cares if i never feel what i've been wanting to feel my whole life. who cares about why some people experience love and some don't. who cares why. some things are beyond my control. and it's harsh but life is harsh. i guess maybe if i actually work on picking up my pieces, then maybe something good will happen. but am i gonna count on it? no. i just have to do it. 

leap of faith.
lici boo
i just have to take a leap of faith into my future. taking what i learned from her, how it changed the way i see the world, and just going forward even though i'm not sure and i don't know what's going to happen and i miss the past and i want her near. 

i just have to have faith that the love i felt will be felt again, probably with someone else and that's not a bad thing.
and i'll be more comfortable with myself and able to handle it since i now know what i know. 

and, eventually, the pain i feel with this loss will be healed with a win. 

not sure what's gonna happen. 
that's what the leap of faith is about. 
and i can't do it half-assed. i can't not believe it or kinda believe it.
i have to believe it all the way, as much as i can.


the pain i feel now will be healed with a win.

storm clouds.
lici boo

bear with me. it's bout to get mad stormy.

i'm 20 years old.

i want to cry.

i'm not sure what this post is gonna be about.

i'm in the process of finding out who i am.

as i grew up, i endured a lot of ... obstacles.
nothing was certain. i had some traumatic experiences.
and i lost myself in the storms. and i turned inward as the outside became more unreliable.
i didn't have a support system.
i felt betrayed by a lot of people.
things went wrong.

i just want to get back to me. and i am. it's not easy, though.
i wish i could undo the lost years.
i wish it was as simple as saying, "the past is gone, and live in the present".
words are easy. actions are work.

wounds don't heal just because you will them to.
you have to clean and bandage and keep an eye on them.

and that's what i'm trying to do with mine.


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